Mr. Clean Called and He Wants His Head Back.

For two years I have been saying I wanted to do this. I have been heming and hawing for months. In jan I decided that this would be the weekend. An old friend was supposed to help me but she was busy. So after brunch my friend nate came over we put some bateries in the beard trimmer, and lathered up my skull it was all over but the sheering. And so now I am bald. Like your unkle jimmy on his 50th birthday party. Never before have I felt anything like this. It is great. I say you should all try it but I really don't want to see lori without hair. My Mom said I can't come home untill it grows back. She was all like youl never get a job looking like that, and I'm not sending you any money. Its cool though.

j.

For Cereal I'm Not Fruit Looping You

Tuesday is a good day, on Tues. I get to sleep until 9 or 9:30 because my first class doesn’t begin until 11. There is nothing quite like that feeling of uninterrupted sleep no alarm, no clock radio, just a natural gradual progression into the waking world. Unless you count the “non” conversations my roommate and I have early in the morning when we get up to get a drink or go to the bathroom. I’ll say “Hey napoleon what do you want to do today?” and he will respond “Whatever I want gees!” I call it sleeptalkmoviequotensomnia, It comes from irregular sleep patterns and falling asleep to whatever 80’s or 90’s movie is playing on TBS and 1 in the morning. Last night was ACE VENTURA (when nature calls) need I say more.

Any way, once woke up and cleared my head of the Jim Carey voices I turned on the news to check the weather, “Partly sunny, highs around 64, with a slight chance of rain in the afternoon”. Then I looked out my window to make sure. Looks good I’m wearing shorts today. While I was picking out what spring tone undershirt would go best with my designer polo a frosted flake commercial came on. “Part of a complete breakfast.” Then it panned out to a wide angle shot of this glorious breakfast with OJ, and toast, and bacon, and the smiling wife/mom in the apron. Who is actually a 23 year old model who also has a reoccurring role on Guiding Light. Suddenly my little frosted cracker filled with some kind of Smuckers reject jelly (a pop-tart) doesn’t look so appealing.

I then recall numerous other commercials with products that claim to be “part” of a complete breakfast. My question is what ­­­exactly is a complete breakfast? Has anyone ever had one? Maybe if you add up all the things I’ve had for breakfast over the last six weeks it might equal a “complete” breakfast or something close to it. Seriously who has time to eat that much in the morning any way? If the Kellog company thinks I am going to by 8 of their products, toast, juice, waffles, pancakes, sausage, bacon, home fries, eggs, milk, and that 23 year old model just to have a “complete” breakfast. They can take their toaster strudel and “put in a toaster.”

I think reading my site should be “part” of a “complete” breakfast. Why not every-thing else that’s dry and tasteless seems to be.

j.

Updates and Insights

Good morning, and welcome to another beautiful Monday in the NC (north country).
Let's go to the mail bag and answer some e-mails.

"Hey j. What's up with your posting irregularity. I check your site like 8 times a day and I'm continually disappointed."

Unfortunately I don't have the time to sit at my computer and update my site all day, with finals coming up and all. I will do my best to update 3 times a week. Besides, I'm not sure if you noticed but its not easy being a comic genius.

"How did the worship thing go?"

It went great we had about 40 people, It was a good time of worship and prayer. Thank you to everyone who showed up.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?"

I steal it, I steal it all. Not really but I am always listening for comic inspiration. Bob and Tom in the morning, Comedy Central, Letterman, Sitcoms, etc. I take my life or the stupidity of others and turn it into a brief story that highlights its unique comic appeal.

"How can I communicate more effectively with my significant other?"

Speaking in mars and Venus terms; women only begin to speak venusion once they enter a relationship. You can understand them just fine until they become your "girlfriend". You can barely understand what is written on the line and then they want you to read between it.
Girls, if your man is clueless dont be upset with him. Speak slowly and carefully spoon feeding him exactly what you mean, so as to make sure nothing gets "lost in translation".

Guys, try hard to clear your mind of the nascar race or all those kool gimmicks in the sharper image catalog and actually listen to what she is saying. She is delicate and sensitive like your favorite remote or your prize 86 rambler. Treat her as such. Watch a couple episodes of Dr. Phil or Oprah, that always helps dilute your masculinity. Oh, and read a mars and Venus book total bonus points, plus if you actually read it you might actually learn something.

"Where do babies come fro...The stork. OK

Well that's all we have time for today, thank you for your letters, keep em coming.
Till next time.
j.

Worship in The Upper Room

Who? J. Morris, Juliamarie, Louissa, and the worshipers of God.
What? An upper room style worship service with music, prayer, sharing, and fellowship.
When? Friday April 22, 2005 from 7-9 pm.
Why? Speaking to one another in Psalms Hymns and Spiritual Songs, Deeper Relationship With GOD.
Where? Clarkson University, Adirondack Lodge.

Please join us.
j.

Interview With the Tempire

Tempire = temp+ hire derived from vampire. "Interview with the vampire" 1999

Classes will be ending soon and many of you will be out hunting for that summer job. The interview is one of the most important hoops a job seeker must jump through when searching for work. I am going to with you share some tips and advice that are sure to get you that dream job.

This is M.D. J.'s guide to the modern interview.

1. Make up a resume that shows you are a multifaceted employee.
List every little thing you have ever done and are able to do, from tying your shoes to basic mathematics and reading, and that time you milked a goat...
2. Sound professional.
Listen to nothing but talk radio for two weeks prior to your interview and try to imitate that NPR vocal quality.
3. Dress for success.
If you look like Rod Roddi from The Price is Right (or like a pimp) you are on the right track.
4. Be prepared honestly and tactfully answer questions about your work ethic.

Q. What's your greatest strength? A. I'm really attractive.
Q. What's your biggest weakness? A. I'm kinda lazy
Q. What is your ideal career? A. A job where I can make the most money doing the littlest amount of work, and still have a really cool position title.
Q. Where do you se yourself in 5 years A. Not it this dump that's for sure.
Q. Why should you get this job instead of the other applicants? A. You probably shouldn't but I'm better looking than they are.
Q. How about your SAT and your ACT? A. First of all I know how to spell act and sat, I don't really like theater and I am really good at sitting.
Q. How do you feel about hamburgers?

Well that's it for now come back next week and we will talk about how to work your way up to middle management.

j.

White or Wrong

Toothpaste cancer alert By Mark Prigg Science Correspondent And Rebecca Lawrence, Evening Standard 15 April 2005
Dozens of toothpaste sold at supermarkets are at the centre of a cancer alert today.
Anti-bacterial cleaning products, including dishwashing liquid and handwash, are also affected.
Researchers have discovered that triclosan, a chemical in the products, can react with water to produce chloroform gas. If inhaled in large enough quantities, chloroform can cause depression, liver problems and, in some cases, cancer.

And you wonder why I don't brush my teeth. This also explains why 3 out of 4 dentists chew "high dent" an anti depressant gum prescribed by their psychiatrist. Cancer or White teeth, depression, or pearly off-whites. I never liked dentist or toothpaste, now I have a reason why.

In a related start second graders in Desmoins Iowa started an "I told you so" riot at the Wilson Central elementary School. Vandalizing school property with tubes of toothpaste, squirting "Crest Kills" and "Cancer is spelled Colgate"

So put your fingers and your brushes away and start saving for denchersrs because toothpaste is out and vineers are in.

Meet Tom and Sally Jones

Somewhere in time between the Flinstones and the Jetsons lived a contemporary family known as the Jones.

Happy Anniversary Sally.
Thanks dear, happy anniversary to you to. What do you say after dinner we get out the wedding video?
That would be great we can snuggle on the couch with some pup corn.
You mean pap corn
No, I don't mean paaap corn (sarcastically) I said pup corn.
Ok, whatever.
(after dinner)
honey where are the video tapes? (Yelling from the bedroom)
In the closet on the right hand side next to the photo albums, behind the shoe box with the cassette tapes in it. (Yelling back) {Heaven forbid he put some effort into it, or move something out of the way, unless it’s slapping him in the face a screaming HERE I AM, RIGHT HERE, LOOK AT ME!!! he can’t find anything}
I don’t see the tay...Oh, here they are, never mind I found them. {If she wasn’t such a pack rat I could be a little less Indiana and a bit more Tom}{Maybe I should have gotten her a storage unit for our anniversary. (looks at paper on table) hefty bags 2 for $5, hmm.
Oh good you found them, put it in.
It’s not the one that says special occasions is it? (sheepishly)
Yah, that’s the one. Why?
No reason, just checking. (Squeamishly)

(Tom pops the tape in, turns the lights off, sits down and picks up the bowl of POP CORN.)
(25 min. later)
T.V. kkkkkkkhhhhhhsssssssss
flick, flick, flick...

Tom,(in that tone his mother used when he was small) what’s wrong with the tape? (A little annoyed)
(Tom shrugs his shoulders with that look that look on his face that says GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.
Why isn’t the tape working Tom? (Now an ear pull away from his grandmother)
T.V. "Im your host Ryan Speakless, and this is American Idol."
You used our wedding tape to record American Idol?
It said special occasions on it. It was "Songs from Sesame Street" week and Constantine sang "Why are there so many songs about rainbows" and if that’s not a special occasion I don’t know what is.
Your going to wish you were somewhere over the rainbow in a second. Didn’t you check the tape?
Of course I checked the tape but in fast forward it looked like one of those cheesy wedding reality shows.
Oh, so now our wedding was cheesy?
That’s not what I said, and its not like I taped over the whole thing.
Nooooo, it’s no big deal just the vows, the ring exchange, and oh yah, our first kiss.
Hey, I’m pretty sure those vows went something like better or worse, stupid and smart, forgive and forget, thou shalt not kill...ish.
I guess we’ll never know now will we? (starts chasing him around the room) But hey, at least you can watch Anwar sing, "Sunny Days". Let me tell you how to get to "not with me " Street, where you will be staying at the hotel sofa. And you might want to grab your blanky out of the closet because it the closest thing to a warm body you’ll be sleeping with tonight.

Kkkkkkhhhhhhhhassssssssssss
Flick, Flick, Flick
T.V. "We now return to the season finale of Gilmore Girls on The WB."

(Sally blushes, and Tom playfully chases her around the room)
the end
j.

Amazing Grace Days

"If it wern't for the last minute nothing would ever get done." Thats what my mother said to me at 10:30pm last night. After I hung up the phone I began writing the 7 page paper which was due at 4pm today. By 2am I had finished a small box of rice crispies and half of a carton of orange juice. I considered making myself some macaroni salad but decided to sleep instead. 6:30 came fast, if not for the un-regulateable water in the shower I'm not sure how I would have gotten the energy to continue. Those sudden jolts of frigid and scolding water blended with blissful moments of perfection were like a gift from the "Wake the heck up" gods. After edge of your sleep thrill ride in econ at 8am I took myself a well deserved nap in the commuter lounge. Unfortunately it lasted but a mere 45 min and then it was back to work on that paper. "I''ve got plenty of time" six whole hours. By 3pm I proclaimed completion, by 3:50 my teacher was telling me not to hand it in or she would give me a 50. Thankfully I still have 3 "grace" days. Darn that MLA format.
j.

The Sick Sense

A strip of gradient blue separates the silhouette of the rolling horizon and the sky which is like a floodlight covered in black velvet punctured by a thousand needles. A melancholy country song plays on my radio and my mind is lost in an imaginative daydream. Suddenly my senses are overloaded by the smell of spring in the North Country. As I drive by the corn field I am reminded of why I was so anxious for my town turn into a frozen tundra. That smell was not the sweet aroma of daisies and dandelions; on the contrary it was "fertilizer"! Can somebody please tell me why with all the technology we have we can't find an odor neutralized for freaken fertilizer. Yet another perfectly good spring evening ruined by the cornfield farmers of NY. I don't know if you noticed but it (corn) comes in a can now, on a shelf, in a store. And that whole corn maize maze thing is fun but its not worth the 6 months of stench. But the farmers are here to stay, so grab your grandma's clothespin and get ready for some summer fun.
j.