Abandon (Relation) Ship
…or you might end up relation ship-wrecked.
Singles-Definition;
A. Green pieces of paper not in my wallet;
B. Orange pieces of cheese not in my fridge;
C. Yellow species of student not in a relationship;
It seems that dating is a large part of campus life, especially on Christian campuses. The “Ring by spring or your money back” philosophy is a problematic mindset that plagues the student body often distracting them from responsibility and rational thought. Some students even feel pressure from their peers to be in a relationship for fear of being shamed a loser. Even the openly single get sucked in and go on ambiguous “non-dates” with various members of the opposite sex. The trivialization of these matters must stop. It is potentially detrimental to the moral integrity of the students and threats itself as a danger to the emotional well being of young men and women. Simply stated, casual dating is wrong!
The dangerous nature of casual dating hides behind masks of innocence and intention. It justifies itself in a series of “justs” that can spiral straight down to unjust immorality. Just flirting becomes just hand holding, which turns into just kissing and just making out, throw in some petting and just a little fellatio and you might end up with “just a little” junior. Granted this is the worse case scenario, but that doesn’t make it an improbability.
So what’s wrong with the fugacious nature of casual dating? What is the big deal? Let’s say sexual purity is maintained and no one’s moral standards are compromised; what possible harm could there be? According to Stephen Covey (7 Habits) every relationship has what Covey calls and “emotional bank account”. Whether family, friend, or other emotional deposits and withdrawals are made in each of these relationships. Casual dating is like making numerous withdrawals from an account that isn’t really yours. Ironically these withdrawals are often viewed as an investment. The more that is withdrawn in casual relationships the less there is to invest in legitimate ones. The confusion comes when young people mistake using each other for attention and affection, for relational investment.
Not only are these relationships emotionally draining they can also be very distracting, especially for those in an academic setting. It has been said that if time is money, and money is the root of all evil, and girls require both time and money, than girls are evil squared. A somewhat fallacious statement to say the least, but the idea is that relationships require a lot of work, time, and money. These are things students don’t usually have an abundance of. The college years especially are a time when a student should be able to focus on the task ahead without the distractions that are associated with opposite sex relations (within the contest of dating).
Casual dating is sort of like the food court in the mall, there are plenty of free samples to try as long as one moves from kiosk to kiosk. While these samples bring temporary fulfillment they ruin the untainted taste of the actual meal. Maybe it’s time to stop sampling and cleanse the pallet. Baby wieners on a stick only go so far after all. So what is the solution? To answer a question with a question; what is the purpose of dating? Some use dating to fill a shallow selfish desire for companionship, others jump into a relationship to “Steak the flag” i.e. get the guy or girl before someone else does. This comes from a lack of faith, patience, and perspective. Some practical steps can be taken to avoid some of the casual dating pitfalls. One of which is being intentional. A car shouldn’t be test driven unless the driver is interested in buying it. This is a caution especially for young men. Preparation is important; if marriage is any more than a year or so away from the realm of possibility why bother? Another very important factor in the whole process is that of authority. What do the authority figures in each person’s life have to say about the relationship? Parents, pastors, and other authority figures can often share an unskewed perspective that keeps each party’s best interest in mind.
Protection of the heart is the most important thing in all of this. No one wakes up and says, “Today I want to lead someone on” or “I really want to play with somebody’s emotions and break their heart”. This however is often the result of casual dating. Dating with purpose and intention is the only way to ensure the protection of the hearts of everyone involved.
Singles-Definition;
A. Green pieces of paper not in my wallet;
B. Orange pieces of cheese not in my fridge;
C. Yellow species of student not in a relationship;
It seems that dating is a large part of campus life, especially on Christian campuses. The “Ring by spring or your money back” philosophy is a problematic mindset that plagues the student body often distracting them from responsibility and rational thought. Some students even feel pressure from their peers to be in a relationship for fear of being shamed a loser. Even the openly single get sucked in and go on ambiguous “non-dates” with various members of the opposite sex. The trivialization of these matters must stop. It is potentially detrimental to the moral integrity of the students and threats itself as a danger to the emotional well being of young men and women. Simply stated, casual dating is wrong!
The dangerous nature of casual dating hides behind masks of innocence and intention. It justifies itself in a series of “justs” that can spiral straight down to unjust immorality. Just flirting becomes just hand holding, which turns into just kissing and just making out, throw in some petting and just a little fellatio and you might end up with “just a little” junior. Granted this is the worse case scenario, but that doesn’t make it an improbability.
So what’s wrong with the fugacious nature of casual dating? What is the big deal? Let’s say sexual purity is maintained and no one’s moral standards are compromised; what possible harm could there be? According to Stephen Covey (7 Habits) every relationship has what Covey calls and “emotional bank account”. Whether family, friend, or other emotional deposits and withdrawals are made in each of these relationships. Casual dating is like making numerous withdrawals from an account that isn’t really yours. Ironically these withdrawals are often viewed as an investment. The more that is withdrawn in casual relationships the less there is to invest in legitimate ones. The confusion comes when young people mistake using each other for attention and affection, for relational investment.
Not only are these relationships emotionally draining they can also be very distracting, especially for those in an academic setting. It has been said that if time is money, and money is the root of all evil, and girls require both time and money, than girls are evil squared. A somewhat fallacious statement to say the least, but the idea is that relationships require a lot of work, time, and money. These are things students don’t usually have an abundance of. The college years especially are a time when a student should be able to focus on the task ahead without the distractions that are associated with opposite sex relations (within the contest of dating).
Casual dating is sort of like the food court in the mall, there are plenty of free samples to try as long as one moves from kiosk to kiosk. While these samples bring temporary fulfillment they ruin the untainted taste of the actual meal. Maybe it’s time to stop sampling and cleanse the pallet. Baby wieners on a stick only go so far after all. So what is the solution? To answer a question with a question; what is the purpose of dating? Some use dating to fill a shallow selfish desire for companionship, others jump into a relationship to “Steak the flag” i.e. get the guy or girl before someone else does. This comes from a lack of faith, patience, and perspective. Some practical steps can be taken to avoid some of the casual dating pitfalls. One of which is being intentional. A car shouldn’t be test driven unless the driver is interested in buying it. This is a caution especially for young men. Preparation is important; if marriage is any more than a year or so away from the realm of possibility why bother? Another very important factor in the whole process is that of authority. What do the authority figures in each person’s life have to say about the relationship? Parents, pastors, and other authority figures can often share an unskewed perspective that keeps each party’s best interest in mind.
Protection of the heart is the most important thing in all of this. No one wakes up and says, “Today I want to lead someone on” or “I really want to play with somebody’s emotions and break their heart”. This however is often the result of casual dating. Dating with purpose and intention is the only way to ensure the protection of the hearts of everyone involved.
posted by j. at
9:25 PM
12 Comments:
I completely disagree. I think your narrow minded view is rediculous. I have dated six guys in the last year and a half and I'm not lacking any emotional stability.
I’m not quite sure what Ms. Anon.’s definition of stability is, but I don’t see how constantly shifting one’s emotional attention from one guy to another constitutes as “stability.” Perhaps more concerning is her lack of recognition of the consequences that her actions now will have in her future.
But, alas, to you I say, bravo. It’s nice to hear that there is still at least one male out there who holds such beliefs. Some of us were really starting to wonder…
Later, my friend. kb
What’s your definition of casual dating? You don’t really define it anywhere in your post, which is full of statements lacking good evidence to back them. For instance, why should a person avoid a relationship just because marriage might not be feasible—in their eyes—within a year? Relationships take time and just because some people meet, get engaged, and married in 8 months doesn’t mean other people should, or if it’s even possible for some people to form strong relationships that quickly. Also why should everybody talk to their pastor and other authority figures before beginning a relationship? The Church’s function is not to play matchmaker.
Amen you little Jew!
"This comes from a lack of faith, patience, and perspective."
That's just it. People have lost the Biblical perspective for mariage.
Anon, who's job is it to play match-maker? I don't believe J. ever said anything about the church setting up these matches. I do believe that J is trying to say that we need to let God be the match-maker, and He a lot of times will speak to us through the wise counsel of our parents and church leadership.
By the way J, that last post was me ^^
~Jared
anon.
casual dating goes under many names. Playing the field, keeping my options open, lead on & drop off, etc.
In the 16-25 age group dating has become this funnel system of stages and steps.
"talking" "chilling" "going out" "being together"
this mess could be avoided by getting to know someone as a freind in group settings. The only thing "couple" has over "friend" is nothing. You can get to know someone enough to decide whether a serious relationship is plausable without ever telling them how you feal. And if God's hand is in it they will feal the same way.
Some relationships take time to develop it's true. The meaning of my statement was not to say you should only date or court for a yean and anything else is excess. My meaning is this, if your making 100 dollars a week, living with your parents, in 50,000 dollars in debt and have the relational skills of a slug, marriage might not be in your immediate future. This is directed mainly at males, but females can prepare for marriage as well.
Intention, Preparation, Patience and Selflessness. These are the
keys to non casual dating.
5 points to the first person who gives me the P.A.P.A.
j, i think you're awesome.
Purpose, Authority, Purity, Accountability.
Yah! 5 points to me!!! : )
Now, what do I do with the five points?
~Jared
bird,
my thoughts in reference to the comment you made to anon regarding the similarities in "friends" and "couples." the only real problem with this is that with such blurred lines it wreaks havoc on a girl's heart and creates an excuse to abdicate on the guys part. in other words, he can decide to be less than friends and say they never were committed in the first place. and she can say but we hung out all the time, i thought you liked me. They're both right, but both played unintentional games with the others' intentions.
Kelly -- you are wonderful-smwonderful. I just can help falling in love with you! Let's get together sometime, yeah, yeah, yeah.
from one anonymous to another:
your comment really didn't really show a great deal of emotional stability. all it conveyed is that you didn't like what jm wrote. why don't you engage the issue instead of just spout your disagreement?
Dear Anonymous,
Are you the first anonymous, or a new anonymous? The first and second anonymous comments are from different people.
As the author of the 2nd anonymous statement, there are a couple statements I’m going to challenge:
1) "Even the openly single get sucked in and go on ambiguous “non-dates” with various members of the opposite sex."
What do you think makes something a date? Two members of the opposite sex can hang out alone without it being a date and without a relationship beyond friendship developing. Yes, there might always be a “danger” of something more happening, but why should we be scared of an unknown that probably won’t occur? You’re too self-conscious about something possibly looking-like/turning-into dating. I’ve found that Christians seem to overanalyze one-on-one hang out time a lot and I don’t think that’s healthy.
2) "Casual dating goes under many names. Playing the field, keeping my options open, lead on & drop off, etc…..this mess could be avoided by getting to know someone as a freind in group settings." (note: 'freind' is really spelled 'friend')
It appears to me that you’re using the term “casual dating” to include all dating. I agree that serial dating or dating multiple people at once is unhealthy. However, two parties who are interested in each other and exclusively dedicate their relationship to each other and to discovering whether or not they could make a life together are not playing the field, keeping options open, leading on and dropping off, or any other terms such as these you might want to apply. Although it is good to get to know someone first in a group setting, some people might not have that option if they have completely different groups of friends; hence, dating is a way to find out whether it could be love or is just infatuation. Also, how long do you spend “getting to know someone” in a group setting? Things need to come out in the open at some point.
First of all let me agree with the obviously true statement, men and women can be friends. Even Jesus was a close friend with Mary and Martha. “but why should we be scared of an unknown that probably won’t occur?” To answer that, if it “probably won’t occur” why bother? I restate the old adage that says, “If you spend enough time with a cow you will fall in love with it.” All I am saying is watch out for cows. It’s not fear it’s self-control. It is a choice to stay out not a fear of falling in. There is a time and a season for dating and for me that season is not now. I am not saying “one-on-one” time is forbidden, I am suggesting cautions as to who and when you spend that one on one time with.
As for the second point I agree, there can be healthy dating. Those who say courtship is the only way, argue a completely symmetrical debate. Call it courtship, call it dating with purpose, call it ooberlolification,(hope I spelt that rite) it’s a matter of intention. Traditional dating can work; it worked for my parents and probably for yours. I am offering alternative more chivalrous approach. Unless geographical limitations are a problem, I am not sure how difficult it is to introduce a new person into a group of friends. Let me come out and say, I don’t have all the answers.” I can offer a suggestion, that you can learn a lot about someone from how they pray, worship, and lead their life in public. Also as an adult, and hopefully all of us are, it’s ok to talk about some serious stuff in groups. You can discuss theological stances, political opinions, and family values in groups. And even in non specific one on one settings as long as you are tactful and considerate.
Post a Comment
<< Home