Big finale or big freakin flop

The following time line from end to start was picked up of msnbc it is amazingly funny which is more than I can say for the script of tonights 2 hour crap o thon. The best part for me was the end, because it was over. Seriously I liked that whole little idols sing with their idol thing. At any rate here is the msnbc blogger run down. READ FROM THE BOTTOM UP!

9:55: Well, really both of them will make television history because the second-place finisher will -- oh never mind, it's CARRIE! Which we predicted, but it's nice to see anyway, because she legitimately seems stunned, and looks a bit like every Miss America winner ever as she sobs and carefully touches her eyes.

9:54: The judges. Randy babbles. Paula gushes. Simon recycles his line about America getting it right by agreeing with him. A very tall accountant guy announces that 500 million votes have been received over the season.

9:53: And...we're back. Heh, they're hyping the Marquis Jet card, which was the subject of a task on "Apprentice" a season back. You go, "Idol," cram in those product placements!

9:45: Bo Bice with who else but ... Lynyrd Skynyrd, and what else, but "Sweet Home Alabama." The audience goes nuts for the "in Birmingham we love the governor" line, which has always creeped me out a little bit, then goes dead silent for "Watergate does not bother me," since Watergate was probably 15 years before most people in the room were born. Wow, how many members are in Skynyrd these days, anyway? Oh wait, they just brought everyone back out on stage. There are now 12 minutes left in the show, so it's time to ... go to commercial! I have to admire how they can take the reading of one name, which is really all they have to do tonight, and stuff two hours of show around it. Parodies! William Hung! Bad auditioners! Babyface! Hasselhoff! Randy babbling! The Osmonds! Matt Rogers! Mikalah! Random Southern mayors! Crunk teeth! Don't let anyone tell you this show doesn't have it all.

9:43: Lindsey, Mikalah, and Babyface? Oh, Lindsey is just all over the place with the warbling and the random notes, there. Oh wait, that was Mikalah. That's OK, really, this is quite skippable.

9:42: Vonzell and Billy Preston. You know, Carrie is lovely, but Vonzell is drop-dead gorgeous. I have nothing bad to say about this pairing, because it's kind of awesome.

9:39: Scott and Nikko with George Benson. Singing "On Broadway," perhaps in a dig to Scott's delusions of grandeur that he was Broadway-bound. Scott is walking like he has huge lifts on the bottom of his shoes or something. However, George Benson is rocking out. More George!

9:37: Constantine, Jessica, Nadia and Kenny Wayne Shepherd. Who may be available for your next event, according to this. No really. Birthday parties, bat mitzvahs, Christmas parties, call him. Constantine really, really wants to be Steven Tyler here.

9:35: Anthony and Anwar with .. Kenny G. Well, he might just be their Idol, so who am I to knock them? And Anwar is still rocking the dreadlocked ponytail look.

9:32: The finalists perform an "all-star" medley "with their own Idols." Which means Carrie and Martina McBride, right? OK, no. Couldn't get Martina. We got Rascal Flatts, though! Carrie actually does quite a pretty duet with the RF guy. Can I call you "Rascal"? Although every time she says "that God blessed the broken road" she says it like "that guy blessed the broken road."

9:21: They're spoofing the ABC "Primetime Live" special about Paula Abdul and Corey Clark, which is ... not the worst idea ever. "We never let the truth get in the way of our ratings," they brag. Get it? They're saying the "Primetime Live" special was ... all about the ratings. Because this show would never do anything for ratings, being pretty much as close to a pure PBS-style documentary as you can get. Although I give them credit for the bit where they ask Randy if anyone ever scripted his lines, and then cut to a couple of clips of him stammering his way through criticism of some poor singer. At least they had the good sense to mock one of the stupidest parts of the ABC special, the fact that Corey Clark named a song "Paula-tics." Wow, this is just going on and on. Randy wears a "buy my CD' T-shirt. Take that, Corey Clark! And the producers fuss "Where are we going to find something who knows as much about music as Simon?" So they call...William Hung. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming. William Hung hasn't had nearly as much time on-air this season as the crunk-teeth guy, and you know he has it in his contract that that cannot happen.

9:08: "Idol" loves the bad auditioners. So far, the rejects have gotten more time than Bo and Carrie combined, it seems. Reel of bad auditions. Goatee guy. Braxton guy. Five-point-nine percent guy, who looks even thinner in front of that huge photo of Ruben. "Sweet Music" guy. Las Vegas psychic. Guy who thinks he sings like Brian McKnight. LeRoy, who got waaaaay too much time for his 15 seconds of crunk-teeth fame. When Adam met Dirk. Man, I just feel like I've seen all these bad auditioners ten times each across the season, don't you? There's a point where you realize that not that many people can be delusional about their talents, they knew a bad song would get them on TV, and the show bought that for a dollar. And ... Adam and Dirk are in the audience, and I'm sure they weren't embarrassed by that little film clip at all. And they bring out David Hasselhoff, because the show's not getting any fresher, so why not? The 'Hoff looks a wee bit like a younger Donald Trump these days. Wow, that burned a generous 9 minutes off the clock.

9:02: Bo medley. Are they going to say that his real name is Harold? And that he got the nickname "Bogart" as a kid from supposedly looking like Humphrey? Apparently not, but they are showing him carrying the mike stand around. I'm sure that footage was hard to come by.

9:01: Of course, they play the Osmonds' "Little Bit Country, Little Bit Rock and Roll." Now a medley of Carrie singing "Independence Day," which seems to be her favorite song. And I can't even argue with that, I don't love country, but she almost makes me like it here.

8:56: Time to roll the credits! We must be done, good night all! Oh, wait. We're only halfway through. And Carrie and Bo are going to sing the truly awful "Up Where We Belong." Oh, OK, I liked it when "Officer and a Gentleman" came out. In 1982. Aw, and at the end, Carrie lays her head on Bo's shoulder, tres sweet. Is Bo wearing leather pants? And Carrie a green satin slip? Hey, they both win cars, and Carrie shrieks like she's on "The Price is Right."

8:53: Let's embarrass more sad sack auditioners! The poor girl singing the national anthem is certainly not the worst singer who has ever tried out for this show, although she is YELLING and doesn't quite KNOW THE WORDS. Is this really necessary? Oh, and now they bring the real girl out, with a fancy dress on and highlights in her (now combed) hair. What an odd bit.

8:47: Time for more flashbacks, we still have an hour to kill.Remember Regina, who pawned her wedding ring to get on the show? Remember the mom who was more excited than her son? Yeah, yeah, we remember. Are there people named Carrie and Bo still on this show? Forgot about them for a minute.

8:46: Matt Rogers in Oklahoma with Carrie's oldest fan and a tiny little dog. I don't even get this. Seacrest tells Simon "your segment has been the worst on the show." Well, yeah, but he didn't wear the boa or coach the kid/old man/dog. You can blame him for a lot, but maybe not for this.

8:42: Time for the Simon Ego Demonstration. You're still missing nothing, really. Now Simon comments on Bo seeming uncomfortable last night, saying Carrie handled things better and she'll win. I think he's right on both, although Bo's nerves were almost imperceptible to me. Simon campaigns for a co-host...Matt Rogers. No! But Brian Dunkleman might be available. They cut to LaToya in her hot-pink boa. Simon accuses her of being drunk, which is exactly what I was thinking. Some little Alabama kid yells a question into the mike, something about "reverse psychology." Yeah, that kid came up with that on his own. What a weird segment. The kid asks a nonsensical question, Simon says it's nonsensical, and the kid yells it again. Someone's drunk, that seems possible.

8:41: And...roll the medley of "Idol" car commercials! No really, you can stay in the kitchen, pop some popcorn or whatever. You're missing nada.

8:36: Seacrest magically materializes in Paula's dressing room. Yikes! Her hair looks nice, though, I'll give her that. She dogs Simon for thanking America for agreeing with him last night, which...whatever, I know this is all staged and stupid, but either she's saying that Bo and Carrie don't belong in the final two, or she's saying that Simon was right. So he's got that going for him. But again, why do I care? The stagey interplay between the judges is one of the many things that could get tossed out the window on this show and no one would miss it, not even whatever poor writer has to script it.

8:30: Seacrest takes viewers on a tour of the judges' dressing rooms, which are the size of small apartments. Randy Jackson's white shoes would have fit right in in the opening medley with the ice-cream style suits. Oh sheesh, now they're discussing the Simon-Paula relationship, complete with footage of open-mouthed kisses. Yikes. If you need a bathroom break or to refill your beverage, now would be the time.

8:22: Carrie drinking a product-placed beverage. She is a lovely girl, but why did they make her put her hair in a curly-fry machine before the show? She laughs at one Oklahoman with a "Marry Me, Carrie" sign. If only she knew how many emails we got asking for her phone number. (We don't know it! Don't email us!) Matt Rogers? Why did they bring him back? Time has not been good to him. Seacrest cracks that Rogers has been to the tanning bed. Yeah, something. Carrie sings, finally. The crimped hair doesn't actually look that bad. She sings "Angels Brought Me Here," and seems a little more nervous than when she sang it last night, jumping up and down in one spot quite a bit. But her voice is strong and as much as I hate this song, she handled it well. The costumers must have been down with the country casual vibe though, with the jeans and red plaid jacket. Not that Bo was dressed up either.

8:15: A completely unstaged visit with Bo in his dressing room! Is LaToya in Birmingham, or is she at Mardi Gras? Whoops, LaToya just called him "Bo Brice." Hear that, Alabama? Every day in Alabama is Bo Bice Day! Everyone, get a mike stand and carry it around with you! And on to Bo doing "Vehicle," which I'm actually starting to like, he's done it so many times. And if he could start selling Bo Bice creme rinse, he could make a mint and forget the music business, the man has gorgeous hair. Oh, right, the song. Well, he's done it three times now, and he knows his stuff. I wouldn't say this song knocks me out, but it shows off his voice well, and he gets to strut the stage and prowl and growl, so it was probably a good choice.

8:08: Flashback reel. Crazy people we don't know. National landmarks. That nutty guy (which one?). Bad outfits. Cows. Nuns. Mary Roach in her red shirt. 193 went to Hollywood? And we maybe saw...30? People crying. Mikalah screeching. The top 12. Audience sign: "Don't fire the phone-number guy!" Heh. Mikalah bites it (why so much Mikalah tonight?). Paula thinks everyone rules. And ... there we are, Bo and Carrie, finally. That was actually a relatively condensed season summary, by the standards of these kinds of shows.

8:06: Mikalah Gordon is their red-carpet interviewer? Her speaking voice just never got any better, did it? Constantine demonstrates the Maroulis Snarl. Bo looks like he just rolled out of bed.

8:05: Ryan Seacrest in a black suit. Not quite a tuxedo, but you know, close enough for Cowell. Lynyrd Skynyrd is here! Everybody get your lighters ready! Come on, Bo, "FREE BIRD"! I won't comment on the fact that Kenny G is also appearing.

8 p.m. ET: Finally, it begins! Oh, wait. They are kidding us with this, yes?The kids singing a '50s medley dressed up like ice-cream salespeople? Scott Savol in orange? Looks like a Seventeen magazine advertisement: Whites and brights are your clothing colors for summer '05, people! At least Anthony Fedorov got to wear blue pants (are those light jeans, or just light blue slacks?) instead of white pants. Heh, they give Constantine the rockin' (relatively speaking) "I Get Around" chorus. That whole medley reminded me of something I once saw on "The Simpsons."